The Truth About Mary

Mary had a little lamb

Its fleece was white as snow

And everywhere that Mary went

The lamb was sure to go

And that is that or so you’d think

If that was all you’d heard,

You’d be forgiven if you thought

It was the final word

But behind this simple little verse

There lies a darker tale

Of bitterness and tyranny

Be sure we will unveil the truth

About that wicked Mary

And her hapless little pet

Whose story can at last be told

So we shall not forget

Now, let us start with Mary

When she was a little girl

With the features of an angel

And a head of golden curls

She was in fact the envy

Of the other girls in town

And she had a reputation

For never backing down

She’d argue black was white sometimes

She’d argue east was west

And worst of all she thought herself

A cut above the rest

She’d act as if she liked you

Then drop you in a trice

If you dared to disagree, in short:

She wasn’t very nice!

So as you can imagine

She had hardly any friends

With her high and mighty attitude

And manner that offends

She had a lot of time therefore

To plot and plan and scheme

And to have a break from plotting

She’d walk to let off steam

On such a walk she came one day

Upon a little lamb

And as she watched it frolicking

Devised a cunning plan

She’d tempt it first with tit-bits

Then ensnare the little fool

She’d make the children laugh and play

To see a lamb at school

And so that very day she carried out

Her evil plan

And put a collar round it’s neck

The poor old little lamb!

And dragged it off against its will

And tied it to her bed

And told it not to make a sound

Or it might wind up dead!

She washed its fleece, then dried it,

Then she bleached it white as snow,

And everywhere that Mary went

The lamb was forced to go

That the lamb just felt exploited

Should surely not astound –

If she tied you up, then cut your hair,

Then paraded you around I think

You’d have a word with Mary,

Clear up a thing or two

And that was more or less what Mary’s

Lamb resolved to do

It chose its words most carefully

And plainly made its case

Presenting all the evidence

With clarity and grace

Its thesis was the right of every

Little lamb to frolic

All presented as a dialogue

So richly metaphoric

But Mary wasn’t very bright

She didn’t catch a word

The bleating of a noisy little lamb

Was all she heard

She went bright red and slowly said

I-TOLD-YOU-NOT-TO-BLEAT

Then gave it painful Chinese burns

And stamped upon its feet

There and then the lamb resolved

To try another way -

It began to chew right through its lead

A little every day

Until one day it saw its chance

A gap into a hollow

Inside a hedge where it could go

But Mary could not follow

It made its dash, the lead went ‘snap’

And left her firmly wedged

Oh, it made the children laugh to see her

Stuck inside that hedge

They left her there for twenty nights

And twenty lonely days

Which gave her lots of time to think

About her wicked ways

So when they finally pulled her out

Although a little wary

They found to their immense surprise

A very different Mary

No longer high and mighty

She’d come down a peg or two

And seemed quite unlike the nasty little

Mary that they knew

And although she never talked about

Those twenty days and nights

She remained until her dying days

Respectful and polite

So there’s the truth about young Mary

Finally revealed

A truth that that old nursery rhyme

Most carefully concealed

And what about that nursery rhyme?

That slanderous bunch of lies!

I now present it one last time

Historically revised:

“Mary caught a little lamb

She bleached it white as snow

And everywhere that Mary went

The lamb was forced to go

But then one day it ran away

To end her evil rule

And Mary was the laughing stock 

Of everyone in school”