Jack Spratt

Jack Sprat could eat no fat

And his wife could eat no lean

And so between the two of them

They swept the platter clean

But this picture of domestic bliss

Regrettably is shattered

When one looks a little closer

At the history of the matter

For just the very thought of fat

Would make Jack Sprat turn white

If he saw it at the table

He would vomit at the sight!

The slightest whiff of greasy, oily,

Subcutaneous matter

Would leave the contents of his stomach

Dripping from the platter

And so it seemed the strangest thing

When Jack first met his lover

To fall for one with unctuous lust

For grease and lard and blubber

But love is more than blind, you see

It has no sense of smell

And Jack had met the one he loved

And so in love they fell

Now as the months turned into years

They found to their dismay

That although they seemed compatible

In every other way

Their gastronomic differences

Became a source of strife

And soon Jack couldn’t bear to share

A table with his wife

He built a new extension

- A wholly fat-free zone –

And there each morning, noon and night

Jack Sprat would dine alone

But why, you ask, did Jack Sprat’s wife

Not give up fat for good

And banish it like any loving partner

Surely would?

Alas, she had a passion

For every type of fat

A greasy oily platter

Was a joy to Mrs Sprat

She’d revel in pork scratchings

And salivate for suet

At night she’d dream of clotted cream

So addicted was she to it

‘Enough’s enough, this can’t go on

The time has come!’ cried Jack

To eat some lean or choose between

Your husband and your fat!

And so she chose the fat, you see

She couldn’t live without it

She loved it more than life itself

There’s little doubt about it

So now she has no guilty thoughts

When eating oily fish

She loves to dine and thinks it’s fine

To lick the greasy dish

And as for Jack, he met a girl

Who shares his love of lean

Together they eat the finest meat 

And sweep the platter clean