Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after
They rushed them off to hospital
As fast as they could caper
Then found a bed and bound Jack’s head
With vinegar and brown paper
They tended to Jill’s bruises
With cheese and strawberry jam
Then bathed her arm in lemon balm
And bandaged it with ham
And sent them home to bed prescribing
Whole grain Dijon mustard
Washed down with virgin olive oil
And broccoli and custard
Jack and Jill became quite ill
The diet didn’t suit them
They threw the mustard in the bin
No more would it pollute them
Said Jack, ‘I blame the doctor –
I think he was a locum,
My head feels worse than ever
And your arm is clearly broken
We’ll find a lawyer who', my dear
- 'With masterful oration –
Will state our case with flair and grace
And win us compensation!'
So they arranged a court case
Where justice would be served
And Jack and Jill were present
When their case was finally heard
-----------------------------------------------------------
‘Your Honour’, said the advocate
‘Today I will discuss
The case of this young couple who
Like any one of us
Have the right to drink clean water
Delivered from a tap
Without the need to walk up hills
And carry buckets back!
As if this wasn’t quite enough
That path is a disgrace
It’s a wonder Jack and Jill weren’t killed
In such a treacherous place
The blame lies with the council
Who should maintain the path
And connect them to the water mains
So they can have a bath
And here, I fear, the blame is shared
With Dr Jenkinsop
Who soaked Jack’s head with vinegar
But didn’t stitch it up
He wrapped it in brown paper
The like I’ve never heard!
And bathed Jill’s arm in lemon balm
It’s really quite absurd
This case is cut and dried, your honour
The doctor should be fired
And Jack and Jill well reimbursed
For all that has transpired'
Then as the judge’s gavel fell
The court, with trepidation
Awaited for his ruling
Firmly based on legislation:
‘The council’s fallen short’, he said,
‘Of what one would expect
And failed in due diligence
Resulting in neglect
That pathway was an accident
Just waiting to occur
Which clearly justifies the size
Of fine they will incur
I order that they hereby pay
Five hundred thousand pounds
And until the path is sorted out
The hill is out of bounds
And as concerns the doctor
Who I have heard confess
He has no further part to play
Within the NHS
Furthermore the hospital
Will pay to Jack and Jill
Five hundred thousand pounds for making
Both of them quite ill
That concludes my judgment
The court is now dismissed
Let Jack and Jill enjoy the life
They hitherto have missed’
And that’s exactly what they did
No more would Jack and Jill
Fetch a pail of water
From a well upon a hill
Said Jill to Jack, ‘Let’s go and pack
We’ve cause for celebration
I never want to see that hill
I’m sick of undulation!’
So they bought a house in Holland
Which suited Jack and Jill
For Holland is completely flat -
There’s not a single
hill!
